Why it can be so hard to ask for space
(even when we really need it)
Some of us experience a lot of pain from never receiving enough attention from our caregivers.
Others of us experience a lot of pain from never receiving enough space from them.
You may be tempted to say, “well, Erin, giving a baby/kid too much attention is so much better than not enough!” I want to be clear on this: if the option is between neglect and too much attention, then sure. But that, friends, is a false dichotomy. Neglect is neglect is neglect. Neglect is a form of abuse, and that is categorically devastating to a baby. I’m not talking about neglect here in this post; I’m talking about the realm of the good-enough caregiver.
Ok, let’s back up. What on earth is a “good-enough” caregiver? At the risk of getting a little nerdy, the “good-enough mother” is a concept from psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott that describes a mother-baby relationship in which the mother is able to intuit and fulfill enough of her baby’s needs to satisfy it. This is far from a perfect mother, mind you, but one who is able to more-or-less attend to her baby. Here, I’d prefer to use the term “caregiver” over mother, because this holds true for any relationship with a primary caregiver—regardless of gender-identities or familial role (1). If you’re familiar with “attachment” terms, we are talking about the type of caregiver relationships that result in anything from secure attachments to anxious/avoidant attachments. A good enough caregiver is one that gave you enough of what you needed in terms of nourishment, bodily safety, and emotional soothing.
Within that realm of good enough, where babies and children are safe, there is a more nuanced layer of emotional attunement where smaller hurts (2) can take place. Sometimes our caregivers miss extremely subtle signs of what’s going on with us. Perhaps they were simply in their own world, or perhaps they felt uncomfortable experiencing an emotion that we were experiencing and simply bypassed it. For example, a caregiver that has never allowed themselves to feel anger may not know how to tolerate their baby feeling angry, and so unconsciously ignores it. If this is done once or twice, no harm no foul. But when our emotional state is repeatedly ignored or dismissed, we begin to learn that feeling that particular emotion must not be ok. To a baby, it might seem something like this: “When I cry that I’m hungry, I’m fed and feel full. But when I cry that I’m angry, I am ignored and feel alone. It is safe to feel hunger, but I should not feel anger anymore.”
Of course, that’s not actually how that works… you absolutely will keep feeling anger, but you’ll shove it deep down in a small hidey-hole that no one will ever find, maybe even including you, until years later when you’re sitting in therapy wondering why you’re terrified to feel anger at people you love (3).
Ok, so in this realm where the small hurts happen, perhaps you have a caregiver that experiences a lot of anxiety, who doesn’t have a lot of self-soothing skills, and you’re a cuddly baby with those cute little thigh rolls and that baby-scalp-smell. Your caregiver might mistake their own need for soothing as your need for soothing and hold you close. And, sure enough, you cuddly baby you, your presence and warmth and sheer cuteness is able to soothe your caregiver’s nervous system! And get this—when your caregiver’s nervous system is soothed, that actually feels better to you, too… even though… wait did you actually want that cuddle right now? Weren’t you really interested in that bright blue thing over… But who cares, your person feels better, so you feel better! You start to think, “when my caregiver needs soothing, I should give up whatever I want and be cuddly because it means they will keep loving me and I’ll be safer in the long-run.” Because as a baby, your only way of staying safe is to make sure your primary caregiver keeps loving you.
In the moment, you’re totally fine because you’re a human, and humans are designed to adapt to their situations. Your basic needs are being met, and you’re safe enough, so you reorient yourself in a way that works in the situation. If this same thing happened to us as adults for the first time, we’d likely shrug it off as no big deal—because it wouldn’t be to an adult with a fully formed nervous system and autonomy over their own safety. But when we’re small and relatively helpless, over time these small hurts and mis-attunements begin to add up. What begins as adaptations to cope as a baby can actually wind up impacting your ability to show up as your full self in adulthood.
Let’s say you’re upset and you’re crying, and there’s a friendly person nearby that you know. Do you want a hug? Do you absolutely not want to be touched? Do you absolutely not want to be touched, but allow them to hug you anyway (4)?
Every person has unique circumstances, and there are many different reasons people might have a preference over being hugged or not being touched—or even something in the middle of those two things. I cannot speak for all people and their experiences. But if this resonates for you, know that this all makes perfect sense. Listen to your body when it tries to tell you you need some space—whether it’s a squirrel-y sensation in your gut, a heavy weight on your chest, or the feeling that the walls are closing in around you. It’s just trying to watch out for you.
If you’re curious to explore your own need for space and how to cultivate space for yourself (and your young parts), please reach out. I’m currently accepting clients in California.
Footnotes
Perhaps you were raised by your grandfather. Count it. Perhaps you were raised by your aunt. Count it. Perhaps your primary caregiver is non-binary. Count it. Perhaps you were adopted… it all counts! ^
I am not convinced it’s possible to avoid these small hurts—I believe they are a painful part of what it means to be human. No caregiver is perfect. ^
As an example. ^
Gentle reminder to all my friendly nearby people—not everyone will feel comforted by your well-meaning hug. You can offer one, but never insist. Allow for a lot of space in case that’s what the person needs. ^
