Saying No
A lot of us are afraid to say “no.” Sometimes we don’t want to say no to someone because we really want them to still like us. Sometimes we don’t want to say no because we think it reflects poorly on us—like we can’t do the thing or don’t know how. Sometimes we don’t want to say no to someone because they’re the type of person who “won’t take no” and/or will somehow get you to do the thing you don’t want to do even after you try to tell them you don’t want to do it. We all know those people. (And sometimes there is a really good reason not to say “no”—like if your physical safety is in jeopardy. This post is not about situations where you are in acute danger.)
And sometimes we want to say “no” but end up “trying to say no.” Trying to say no and saying no are not actually the same thing. “Trying to say no” is what we do when we don’t yet have enough practice saying no, or we don’t feel safe enough with the person we’re trying to say no to. However, if you find yourself TRYING to say no a lot, it’s a great sign you’re ready to practice the real thing, but in a safer space and with smaller stakes.
“‘No’ is a complete sentence.” I hear this tossed around a lot. And it’s TRUE, but it’s also not useful in many scenarios if you’ve never practiced deploying it as a complete sentence before. It’s also a hard one to grasp if you’re a bit midwestern (hello) and “No, thank you” is as short of a complete sentence as you feel like you have a right to. But “No, thank you” is still better than a “well, I would but I…” or a “I guess maybe I could” or a “I need to leave but I guess I could stay for 5 more minutes.” “No, thank you” is the bunny hill of saying no. You’re allowed to start on the bunny hill!
A demonstration.
Your partner: “Do you want to go for a walk?”
You: “No, thank you.”
Your mom: “Don’t you think this sweater would be cute on you?”
You: “No, thank you.”
Your partner’s mom: “Don’t you want to try a piece of my cake before you leave?”
You: “Yes, I would like that very much.” (No matter what. Ok bad example.)
Your co-worker: “Do you want company while you work on that?”
You: “No, thank you.”
My guess is one of these seems harder to you than the others (and isn’t that interesting), but the hard one will be different for everyone. My point here is to start with some of the ones that don’t sound hard and practice there first, then take on no’s in situations that are incrementally less comfortable and continue practicing.
I’m biased, but one of my favorite places to practice saying no is in therapy. It could go something like this.
Your therapist: “Do you want to talk more about that phone call you had with your dad?”
You: “No.”
Your therapist: “Do you want to try this breathing exercise with me?”
You: “Nope.”
Your therapist: “How would it feel if we practiced saying no right now.”
You: “It would feel bad. No thanks.” (Err… wait… dammit!)
This can be especially nice when starting out because if you find yourself agreeing to things that aren’t true “yeses” for you, a therapist can help identify and name that for you. For example, sometimes I’ll ask a client if they want to try something and they will say, “Yeees?” Yes phrased as a question is actually a no. (Or, at best, an “I need to know more.”) When you have a chance to notice and name your no, you can begin to recognize the signs in your body of what a real yes versus a real no feels like. Even when your thoughts are confused, often your body is pretty clear on yes versus no versus I need more information. (A phrase I tend to deploy a lot is, “It sounds like that’s a no.” A phrase my therapist likes to deploy is, “How do you know that’s a yes?”)
Of course, it’s all a bit more complicated than I’m making it sound here. There are situations that are both scary and exciting, where you both don’t and do want to do something. For example, perhaps you really do want to present at an all hands for your company, but it’s also really intimidating. Or maybe, for reasons I personally will never fully understand, you are considering going skydiving. There’s definitely more nuance in what your body might experience when considering something that’s edgy for you versus completely comfortable versus something you simply do not want to do at all for any reason. But we don’t learn to ski on moguls and black diamond slopes. One thing at a time. Welcome to the bunny hill.
Want to practice saying no? Curious about working with me in therapy? I’m accepting new clients in California for online therapy through the Center for Mindful Psychotherapy—please reach out for a consultation call!
